Time Magazine Says We Are Man Of The Year And The Choice Really Stinks

By:  Rachel Marsden

Since so many of you seemed to enjoy last week's column consisting of my Christmas greetings to high-profile people, I thought I'd continue with a final installment:

Dear Time Magazine:

In awarding this year's title of Time Person Of The Year to "you," meaning "everyone who uses or creates online content," you've essentially made having a pulse the only real criteria required to win. This narrows your choice down to pretty much everyone on the planet -- except maybe Keanu Reeves, judging by his movies.

Therefore, as a Time Person Of The Year myself, I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas, and also let you know that, frankly, your choice stinks.

I understand your runner-up was Iran's leader, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He deserved to win for having turned his country into a prime nuclear target, through repeated musings about its nuclear capabilities and the destruction of the U.S., U.K. and Israel. Heck, all I did was send people a few viral YouTube videos. At the very least, could you please send Mahmoud a consolation prize --like maybe an electric razor?


Dear Liberal Leader and Chief Benchwarmer, Stephane Dion:

Merry Christmas, and congratulations on your new job as head thumb-twiddler.

While Prime Minister Steve is running around cleaning up after your party's thorough trashing of this country, it would be nice if you and your fellow Liberals could get up every so often so he can vacuum under your sofa cushions.

If he misses a spot on the wall, I'm sure you'll let him know right away -- just as you did when you expressed your concern over his handling of environmental issues while he's in the midst of a war.

Hey Stephane, how about volunteering to lead a joint Liberal-NDP delegation to investigate global warming somewhere really hot -- like in the Afghan desert?

Then we can all see, once and for all, which is the more imminent danger: global warming or Islamic terrorists.


Dear NDP Leader Jack Layton:

My Christmas present to you is an idea that will allow for your party to apply substance over symbolism for once, and give you an edge over the Green Party in the next election's Tin Foil Hat Bowl.

The UN-supported "Livestock, Environment and Development Initiative" recently released a report entitled Livestock's Long Shadow, which explains that livestock is "responsible for 18 % of greenhouse gas emissions measured in CO2 equivalent. This is a higher share than transport."

To quote the report: "The sector emits 37% of anthropogenic methane (with 23 times the global warming potential (GWP) of CO2) most of that from enteric fermentation by ruminants. It emits 65% of anthropogenic nitrous oxide (with 296 times the GWP of CO2), the great majority from manure. Livestock are also responsible for almost two-thirds of anthropogenic ammonia emissions, which contribute significantly to acid rain and acidification of ecosystems."

In other words, while NDPers are battling the elements on their bikes every day and trying to coax people out of their SUVs in their efforts to save the environment, cows are just sitting around farting up a storm and ruining the planet.

Forget vegetarianism -- if the NDP really wants to save the environment, perhaps you should start knocking off these polluting scumbags by tucking into a nice steak? Either that, or round up some butt plugs and hit the farms.

Because who are we to argue with the UN, right Jack?



PUBLISHED:  TORONTO SUN (December 22/06)