Sure...Let Terrorists Establish Peace

By:  Rachel Marsden

NEW YORK — I’m not sure why I thought this week’s bipartisan Iraq Study Group report might actually offer some constructive suggestions about speeding up the stabilization of Iraq.

The term “study group” evokes the image of a bunch of guys sitting around at the University of Starbucks between late night pizza binges, jockeying to out-nuance each other and serving up various pie-in-the-sky theories.

After months of “studying,” their message is basically this: We really have no great new ideas or suggestions for Iraq, except to put more power into the hands of some Islamic nutcases.

Whoops, sounds like someone crammed.

While not advocating for an immediate exit, the panel wants American combat troops out of the country by 2008. Now that they have a better idea of when the infidels will be clearing out, I’m sure the jihadists in Iraq will be grateful for the heads-up so they’ll be able to plan a little time with the relatives in Europe, or maybe apply for one of those student-terrorist diversity placements at Yale.

One of the study group’s members commented the “U.S. isn’t winning or losing in Iraq,” thereby demonstrating a breathtaking level of nuance that could only emanate from the over inflated windbag of a true academic — or from an orifice belonging to Sen. John Kerry.

This same individual also commented that “all options are on the table,” as though he’s talking about the buffet at his local Red Lobster, when I would think his job was to recommend a few decent dishes.

Unfortunately, both of these brain droppings fell from the mouth of Bob Gates — Bush’s new nominee for Defence Secretary. Not surprisingly, he seems to be one of the few Republican appointees whom the liberal Democrats like.

The panel recommends that America place Mideast peace in the hands of Iran and Syria — the same Syria that has been cited for severe human rights abuses and provides cash and cover to terrorist groups like Hezbollah and Hamas.

Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has apparently been busy banning Iranians’ access to online YouTube videos featuring things like frat boys lighting their farts on fire. That’s when he’s not focused on promoting his upcoming conference focusing on whether the Holocaust really happened. (Might I suggest extending an invite to every anti-American’s favourite author and academic, Noam Chomsky, who was once quoted in Australia’s Quadrant Magazine as saying, “I see no anti-Semitic implications in denial of the existence of gas chambers or even denial of the Holocaust.”)

But hey, whatever distracts Mahmoud from fiddling with those nukes.

So let me get this straight. These two clowns — whose countries represent two of the biggest supporters of terrorism — are the great hope for winning the war on terror? That’s the best a panel with a collective IQ supposedly above that of a zucchini could come up with?

Send a ‘Chamberlain’

I have a better idea. It’s one that will likely achieve the same result, but save a lot of time, money, and pretense: Why don’t we cast someone as America’s Neville Chamberlain, and send him over to the Mideast to present Ahmadinejad with a new “peace treaty” like the UK did with Hitler back in happier times? He can declare peace on Earth upon arrival, call it a day, and get home in time for Monday Night Football.

If this report really is the grand plan that emerges as a result of supposedly intelligent adults “studying,” then maybe it should be left to the kids.

PUBLISHED:  TORONTO SUN (December 10/06)