Here's My New Version of 'Survivor'

By: Rachel Marsden

Another week, and another violent outburst by some members of the religion of peace has compelled me, once again, to write a column that will likely make me glad that my address isn’t listed in the phone book.

When Pope Benedict recently quoted an ancient emperor to explain that Islamic chief prophet Mohammed relied on violence to convert non-believers rather than that flaky winning over of hearts and minds stuff, it was enough to make some Islamofascists run right out into the Arab street and drive his point home.

But who exactly speaks for Islam? London-based Muslim extremist and riot organizer, Anjem Choudary, says that the Pope should be executed.

A group representing al-Qaeda in Iraq says, “We will break up the cross, spill the liquor and impose head tax, then the only thing acceptable is a conversion (to Islam) or (to be killed by) the sword.”

Egypt’s Muslim Brotherhood claims the Pope’s apology wasn’t good enough. The Pope apologized for Muslim anger over his remarks—which is kind of like the “I’m sorry you went and told mom” garbage “apology” that I always gave my sister when we were kids and I was forced into doing so.

The Pope did say that he wanted to see some “frank and sincere dialogue”. So far, many Muslims have opted for the Mike Tyson method of debate.

Who will tell these Islamohooligans to stop setting fire to their blow-up dolls out in the street, and will sit down with the Pope for a nice glass of the Blood of Christ to discuss the issues?

What Islam desperately needs is a Pope of its own—a modern-day religious leader with whom the buck stops. But asking the moderates and extremists of the Muslim world to duke it out over who gets to pick a leader is asking for trouble, since in the absence of sufficient infidels, they’ve always turned to killing each other.

The safest and most entertaining way to hold an Islamic Pope search is to do it on television.

The show, modeled after Survivor, would be hosted by British comedic genius Sacha Baron Cohen of Ali G and Borat fame—who also, incidentally, is a Jew. Any attempts on the host’s life would result in immediate disqualification.

The contestants will be chosen from among high-profile Islamic loudmouths and the Canadian federal Liberal party fundraising list. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad must be chosen, because he’s the Paris Hilton of world politics, always saying crazy stuff that’s good for ratings. The networks dig him—especially CBS.

The challenges will include a “wahabi wasabi” eating contest, enduring a marathon screening of burka-free Girls Gone Wild, and attempting to convert someone to Islam using words only.

Each tribe member will have a torch in the shape of a burning civilian building, and when you get voted off the island and it’s time for the “dhimming” of the torch, it means your jihad is over and the building gets doused. Rather than going to Exile Island to enjoy a stay in a luxury hotel, as the losing tribe member exits the show, he gets to strap on one of those “infidel busting” backpacks and let ‘er rip.

The winner will be the one best equipped to guide Islam through its modern day challenges. What we need from Islam is not only a leader who can go toe-to-toe with Pope Benedict in a debate, but who will lead his entire Islamic flock towards enlightenment and, among other things, a sense of humour.

PUBLISHED:  TORONTO SUN (September 25/06)