Obama 'Pontificus Magnus' Descends Upon UN

By: Rachel Marsden

President Barack Obama descended this week upon the United Nations General Assembly from his home base on Planet Jimmy Carter, and lectured the assembled world leaders in the official UN language of “alternative reality.”

UN chief Ban Ki-Moon warmed up the crowd by calling for respect among the various gathered delegates gearing up to walk out on the various whack-jobs in attendance, much like the American delegation did when Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad started talking about the poll he apparently executed in his head suggesting that most Americans and foreigners believe that the U.S. government conspired to attack itself on 9/11.

Before Obama took the floor, Ban Ki-Moon continued to attempt to justify his salary and perks against the backdrop of a laugh track in my head when he issued the prime directive: “Let us remember, the world still looks to the United Nations for moral and political leadership.”

And with that, Pontificus Magnus appeared, brushing aside the 15-minute speech limit Fidel Castro style, and doubling his time allowance. The Great Spender has lessons to give, so everyone had better listen up so they can get a good earful of everything they’ll be ignoring once they get back home.

Last year, Obama memorably kicked off by bitching about his job: “I have been in office for just nine months, though some days it seems a lot longer.” Barn burner! This time, he played up the fantasy angle so hard that if it were a base guitar his fingers would be bleeding.

To start, he claimed to be preventing “the world’s most dangerous extremists” from acquiring “the world’s most dangerous weapons.” Somewhere an Islamist sewing a bomb he made from an Internet recipe into a backpack threw his head back and cackled. Ahmadinejad leaned over and asked his seatmate if this was the warm-up act for Jerry Seinfeld.

Obama continued: “Earlier this year, 47 nations embraced a work-plan to secure all vulnerable nuclear materials within four years. We have joined with Russia to sign the most comprehensive arms control treaty in decades.” Ahmadinejad shot to his feet and yelled: “AHAHAHA CHRIS ROCK! YOU SO FUNNY!” He then made a mental note to call to Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin to see how the nuclear reactors the Russians have been building for him in Iran were shaping up.

Obama then gave a special shout-out to Ahmadinejad: “Iran is the only party to the [Non-Proliferation Treaty] that cannot demonstrate the peaceful intentions of its nuclear program, and those actions have consequences. Through UN Security Council Resolution 1929, we made it clear that international law is not an empty promise.”

Translation: “Consequences will have consequences! And that’s a promise! You can even see for yourself from the other 1929 resolution-consequences how serious we are!”

“Now let me be clear once more,” Obama continues, in the manner of a parent standing over a teenager while he’s mainlining heroin. “The United States and the international community seek a resolution to our differences with Iran, and the door remains open to diplomacy should Iran choose to walk through it.”

That would be great if Iran felt it had differences to resolve, but there really isn’t any incentive for that on their part. They couldn’t be any less restricted in their activity right now. Pass all the sanctions you want—there will still be some regime out there that will see it as an opportunity for business/trade monopoly much as France’s Jacques Chirac did during the period of UN “sanctions” against Iraq.

Obama then segues to what he presumably considers an important enough threat to address right after Iran’s nuclear program: “the specter of climate change.” Interesting choice of words … “specter.”

Could mean either “a haunting or disturbing image”, or “a ghost”—the latter often considered a figment of one’s imagination. I appreciate being given the opportunity here to choose—however inadvertently.

He continues: “We will support a process in which all major economies meet our responsibilities to protect the planet while unleashing the power of clean energy to serve as an engine of growth and development.” The cleanest energy in the world is nuclear, so “unleashing the power” of it may not be the best choice of terms. Way to confuse Ahmadinejad.

Next, Obama resolves the Mideast conflict in his head by stating he simply “refuses to accept” it.

He cites the words of both Israeli and Palestinian leadership to highlight their mutual will to find a solution, without acknowledging the lack of will on the part of the freelance terrorists who represent the reason why any of the zillion agreements have always been moot. If he thinks he’s going to have any sort of sway over them, then he’s a lot more arrogant—and divorced from reality—than I ever could have imagined.