Doing The DC Dash

By:  Bernard Goldberg and Rachel Marsden

Our friends south of the border are just starting to ramp up toward the 2008 election battle to replace George W. Bush. Sun Media columnist and righteous right-winger Rachel Marsden and nine-time Emmy winning journalist and three-time New York Times bestseller Bernie Goldberg, a Democrat, take a look at each sides' candidates -- and whether any of these people are fit to run the world's most powerful country.

MARSDEN: Hey Bernie, do you think the Democrats have a chance in 2008? Their offerings: Hillary Clinton, someone for whom over half the country has already said they absolutely won't vote. And Barack Obama, who should be the opening act for a Noam Chomsky tour, based on his flaky rhetoric. Meanwhile, the Democrat-led Congress has a 23% approval rating.

GOLDBERG: Nice Chomsky reference -- especially for the three or four people who actually ever heard of the guy. For everybody else, Google "Anti-American Left-Wing Intellectual Bore" and you'll get all the info you need. Do the Dems have a chance? Given how fed up Americans are with the war -- and George Bush -- my dog has a chance. But the Democrats can lose if they do something really stupid, which they're more than capable of doing.

MARSDEN: People will stand in line for days to buy an iPhone, but they're tired of fighting people who want us dead. The terrorists say they're just warming up. While some of us might not want to play, our enemy is going to keep firing away at us anyway. Backing out and covering our privates -- isn't exactly a winning strategy.

GOLDBERG: Neither is what we're doing now in Iraq. I give President Bush a lot of credit for having a big, ambitious idea: Create a democracy in a dark part of the world and you might actually change the world. But simply having an idea isn't enough. You have to make it happen. And I'm not sure anybody can do that without a lot more help from the Arab world. At some point we're going to leave Iraq. And I'm guessing that two seconds after the last soldier is out, the mayhem will really kick in to high gear. And then we're all going to ask: And what exactly did we accomplish over there?

MARSDEN: There's hope: The Ethiopians took all that Live Aid money and eventually got their act together and bought some fighter jets. Now they're leading the terrorist smackdown in Somalia. But the Ethiopians aren't forced to fight the war on leftists' terms. Leftists want the war to be over, but without the kind of force that would mean civilian casualties. Speaking of concerts, do you think concert promoter Al Gore will jump in?

GOLDBERG: Only you could find a way to tie Al Gore into Ethiopians in Somalia. Will he run? If he starts to lose weight, he's in. If he doesn't, he's out.

MARSDEN: You know what, Bern, if the Transformers ever decide to invade America, you'd want Al Gore in charge. Not only could he relate to robots, but when they transformed into those polluting trucks, hotrods and jets, he'd defeat them with carbon taxes. Hey did you ever see those photos of Rudy Giuliani in drag? That should freak out the enemy a bit.

GOLDBERG: I can picture Osama bin Laden sitting around the cave, checking out YouTube on the iPhone he just got at Crazy Ahmed's Electronic Store in downtown Nut-Jobistan and saying, "Let's see if I have this right, Zawahiri: Some bald guy running for president in the land of Satan puts on a dress, high heels and lipstick -- in public! -- and they say we're crazy But you know what, Z? Just between us. He's kind of cute. I hope he's not Jewish."

MARSDEN: You should write for the Islamic Comedy Network. Oh yeah -- there isn't one. But you can bet that if there was, there would be a high employee turnover. Lots of "severance", but not the kind that we're used to here in the West. There's tons of buzz about Fred Thompson, but most people know him as that guy from Law and Order. Why not just have Britney Spears or Paris Hilton run?

GOLDBERG: I'll get to Britney and Paris in a second. As for Fred Thompson, you're absolutely right about the buzz. And yeah, most people only know him from a TV show. But most people don't know who their own congressman is. Most people will have plenty of time to get to know Fred Thompson the presidential candidate. And I'm guessing they're going to like him in his new role -- because he comes off as decent and likeable, two very important traits in politics and in life. Oh yeah, I said I'd get to Britney and Paris. I lied.

MARSDEN: Whose fault do you think that is? Is it the media's fault for, as your old colleague, Dan Rather, would say, "dumbing down and tarting up" the news in order to get viewers? Or is the media just giving the public what it wants? Personally, I don't get how you cannot make war and politics compelling. I mean, that takes real ineptitude.

GOLDBERG: We live in the United States of Entertainment. If it amuses us we watch. If it doesn't, we don't. That's why so many Americans are so clueless about so many things -- like government and politics. But the real villains are the TV producers who claim to be serious journalists while they're putting hours and hours of Paris Hilton on the air. These guys are made of the wrong stuff!

MARSDEN: That's why a candidate like Obama is even on the radar. I bet most people can't name a single thing that he's ever done or that he stands for. But they know he did some time on Oprah's couch, and had a hot chick make a video about the crush she has on him. People are confusing their candidates for commander-in-chief with those of American Idol.

GOLDBERG: The Obama sizzle has nothing to do with his voting record. It's all about his image. Barack looks like the future. Hillary, on the other hand, might as well have a neon sign on her head that flashes "yesterday" in hot pink letters. Democrats say they want change. Yet Clinton consistently beats Obama in the polls. Go figure!

MARSDEN: I like your analogies. Here are some more. The Democrats are like the dog in the pet shop window barking incessantly, and when he's finally let outside, he freezes and then scurries back in. They're good at playing armchair general, but when it comes time to pony up and put some ideas into play, they don't have any. Bush is like the cook who's slaved away all day, only to have people whine that his lasagna isn't crinkle cut.

GOLDBERG: In 2006 the Democrats pretty much ran on one issue: "We're Not Republicans." And it worked. So, it may very well work again in 2008. One final point: In the long history of the English language, I'm pretty sure that nobody has ever put the words "lasagna" and crinkle cut" in the same sentence before.