Give Lil' Kim A Hollywood Screen Test

By:  Rachel Marsden

North Korean dictator Kim "Lookie Me!" Jong Il let one rip this week by detonating what some say is a nuclear explosion, conveniently upstaging the South Korean set to replace United Nations chief Kofi Annan.

Reportedly, Lil' Kim's latest tantrum stems in part from the fact that George Bush can't be bothered to schedule bonding chitchats with a murderous, dictatorial, communist lunatic.

The last American president who played that appeasement game was Bill Clinton, who apparently figured Kim would behave if he was handed some money, oil, food -- and a couple more nuclear reactors.

Unfortunately, Clinton turned out to be a bit of a dud in the follow-through department (except, of course, when it came to his own missile activity, under the supervision of General Lewinsky).

Lil' Kim never gave up his nuclear ambitions, and diverted the food and resources to his army while his people slaved and starved in concentration camps.

Ideally, Japan, a country that knows firsthand what nukes can do, would just bomb Kim's nuclear installations. Someone other than the Americans should be doing the heavy lifting on this one.

But realistically, short of the UN sending Kim the same strongly worded letters that Saddam Hussein used for toilet paper, no one's going to do anything. Sanctions don't work on dictatorial regimes whose people are already being starved.

So I have a suggestion guaranteed to work at least as well as anything from the UN:

Kim is obviously a little man with a gigantic ego. The last thing we should be doing is calling his nuclear and missile tests "duds," as though they're barely a step up from a Coke-and-Mentos explosion.

Philip Coyle, former director of weapons testing at the Pentagon, says, "As first tests go, this is smaller and less successful than those of the other nuclear powers." Another U.S. official told the Washington Times that "it appears there was more fizz than pop."

Okay, so maybe Lil' Kim wouldn't win first prize at the nuclear science fair, but as a showboat, he's top-notch. He also loves showbiz. According to the BBC, he has 15,000 movies and is a huge James Bond and Rambo fan. He even kidnapped a South Korean film director to crank out some movies.

A career in Hollywood is his true calling. Politically, he'd fit right in. Maybe we can get him on an island-based, Survivor-style reality show with fellow comrades Sean Penn, Barbra Streisand, Michael Moore and the Dixie Chicks? He can even bring his nukes and put them to good use for once, if he gets the urge. Frankly, who wouldn't?

Or how about a Big Brother show with fellow megalomaniacal nutbars, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? As housemates, they can take turns baking with ingredients that don't glow in the dark for a change, and fight for control of the TV remote.

A recent Atlantic Monthly article says Kim was "once a playboy". My guess is when Kim had the life of George Clooney, he wasn't fiddling with his missiles. I hear Playboy's Hugh Hefner is slowing down. Let's send Kim over to the mansion.

The world would be safer with this psycho focused on stockpiling Viagra instead of nukes.