Hillary's No Slick Willy

By:  Rachel Marsden

NEW YORK — It’s Monday morning quarterback time after yesterday’s Super Bowl! Being a political analyst, this means I have an excuse to talk about my favourite linebacker, Hillary Clinton, who, incidentally, fills out a cup better than Peyton Manning.

Speaking of football, it’s pretty much a fact of human nature that people generally enjoy keeping score and following stats — which is why we political types are already busy analyzing the 2008 presidential race, even though we’ve barely cut the umbilical cord on 2007 and smacked it on the arse.

I can summarize, in exactly two words, why today’s polls don’t actually matter: Howard Dean.

This early 2004 Democratic favourite and hero of every Doritos-chomping, pimple-popping, dorm-dwelling Internet diarist wanked himself into a frenzy during a single campaign speech — and then no longer appeared to be in care and control of the short bus, let alone able to take the wheel of the free world.

That being said, Hillary is beating her Democratic rivals in early primary state polls.

She truly is the K-Fed of politics: She has been chastised because of the person she’s married to. She can’t seem to do anything right. She can’t rap. And she has a spouse whose claim to fame is their hypnotic crotch.

Clinton could benefit from the fact the criticism is getting stupid.

For example, critics argue: “How can Hillary deal with despotic regimes like North Korea and Iran when she can’t even control her husband?”

Look, Churchill, Reagan, Thatcher and Dubya combined couldn’t control THAT missile.

This week, Clinton was asked what in her background equips her to deal with evil men.

She responded by repeating the question and punctuating it with a smile — which some numbskulls took to mean that she was referring to her husband as an “evil man.”

Rather than analyze Clinton’s marriage for the millionth time, I’d like to see a lot more attention focused on her remark that she “really resents” the fact that Bush may not be out of Iraq by 2009. Hey Hill, it’s a war, not a condo rental that you’re eyeing.

Clinton was also caught on mic singing the national anthem at an event. Let’s just say that I think Bill is the soprano in that relationship.

As with Federline’s Super Bowl ad in which he mocks himself as a fast food hamburger flipper, Clinton could score some PR touchdowns through self-deprecation.

There’s already a precedent for this.

When George W. Bush ran for Texas governor against Ann Richards in 1994, he had a firm grasp of the English language. But by the time the 2000 presidential election campaign rolled around, he had come up with a whole new language of his own.

(Why doesn’t linguistics professor Noam Chomsky stick to his actual area of expertise and analyze that —Bush’s new language — rather than insisting on confusing our youth with his convoluted yammering about foreign policy?)

Whether it was intentional or accidental, it made him more relatable.

What Clinton absolutely needs to avoid is hanging out with her old bra burning crew, like Vagina Monologues creator Eve Ensler, who helped Clinton decide on her New York Senate run.

Terrorism doesn’t scare me as much as chicks who obsess over their vagina.

The best news for Clinton is that the official talent pool so far can be most accurately characterized as a puddle. But it’s not like she has to beat out God — just that Obama guy.