Job Posting: GOP Presidential Candidate

By: Rachel Marsden

POSITION: The Republican Party of the United States of America is currently seeking to fill a vacancy for the position of 2012 Republican Presidential Candidate.

PROCESS: The position has remained unfilled for the last two years, ever since its most recent occupant passed away (politically speaking). Several individuals have expressed an interest in filling the vacancy, but we’re keeping our options open until six months from now when the primary race officially begins. At that point, Father Time will put a gun to our head and force us to rope off the shortlist. We hope by then we will have enough potential candidates mentally tall enough to ride.


* Candidate should come prepared to absorb the full financial cost of the job application process. Please convert positive remarks and backslapping encouragement by supporters into cold hard cash before applying.

* Should have good management and team-building skills. Prior experience in the private sector as a manager or entrepreneur is preferable. Should be able to independently select a strong group of advisers and take advice and criticism from them without expressing narcissistic rage.

* Experience in politics is a must, preferably at a state or federal level. Community organizing and municipal level political experience will not be considered (and should really never have been).

* Significant international and business experience is a requirement. Brief trips to EuroDisney don’t count. Neither do photo-calls with various foreign leaders unless tied to significant initiatives in which you’re involved. China leverages our debt, Europe received our bailout money. Running the U.S.A .from inside a vacuum is no longer an option.

* A thick skin is required, as is significant experience in dealing with the media. However, a pre-occupation with overexposing yourself in it may be construed as an inability to focus on the core job requirements. This isn’t “Big Brother: White House."

* Age discrimination will not be tolerated in the selection of candidates, but obviously preschoolers cannot realistically meet our age requirements. And by “preschoolers”, we mean approximately age 45. Unless your name is Mark Zuckerberg, and you were thrown into the deep-end of the piranha tank at an early age.

* If this is “OMG THE BEST JOB EVER!!!” in your view, or the best salary you’ve ever made in a job, then you may wish to consider further building your professional experience before applying.

* No discrimination will be tolerated on the basis of gender, race or marital status, although the position itself will involve constant discrimination and favouritism based on those factors, and will be especially exacerbated in times of incompetence.

* Candidates should be funny but not a buffoon. Ideally, that is. Buffoons will ultimately be evaluated in light of their other attributes in the final analysis.

* Candidates should be prepared to enter the application process with a “confession list” of everything they've ever done wrong in their lives, as well as any unsavoury associates, or any kickbacks they’ve pocketed, so as to prepare an immunization via public confession, if need be. This also serves the dual purpose of alerting both us and yourself to a potential bad fit before we move too far along in the process.

* Strong public speaking skills are a requirement, as is charisma, but both should be accompanied by deep interest, knowledge and experience to the point of being able to operate in the absence of coaching, talking points, or a TelePrompTer.

* Candidates should show sufficient ability to balance their own bankbook and have general good hygiene in the area of economics and finance, as this is a strong transferable skill required for the position.

* An ability to project and communicate laissez-faire values while not offending social conservatives is a must, as is the ability to tailor one’s communication of those values to various audiences. Vladimir Putin isn’t the Tea Party, yet the position will require you to handle both.

* A good command of English is the only language requirement for the position, although knowing and speaking other languages fluently shouldn’t hurt. William F. Buckley spoke several and lived all over Europe before becoming the Godfather of American conservatism.

* An Ivy League education isn’t a requirement, but will be tolerated if you weren’t parachuted in by a relative or strictly financial means.

* If you have any hidden children or relatives who may appear suddenly and publicly during the course of the application process, kindly advise us of this possibility in advance.

* Publication of any written or academic works are an asset, as long as you actually wrote them yourself and not some poor rented mule hidden away in the basement of your publishing house.

* Knowledge of technology is a plus. An obsession with it is not. (Litmus test: If you own a ranch, is it in Farmville?)