Dear Maggie: Advice For The Candidates
(Note: “Maggie” is the pen name of a political advice columnist who happens to be a big fan of former British Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher. Her columns appear regularly at GrandCentralPolitical.com. She's taking your deepest political questions and dilemmas at firstname.lastname@example.org.)
I guess you can say that I have a trophy husband who won’t shut up. While I’m busy trying to portray myself as a centrist (which is challenging enough without the DRAMA!!!), he’s running around and saying, during a recession, that an economic slowdown would be good for the environment! He is totally stealing my thunder and also attacking the guy I’m running against – who is BLACK, and also a friend of OPRAH, so of course you cannot do that without a lot of people getting really angry!!!
H.C. in New York
The solution to your problem is actually quite simple. He sounds like he’s just desperately in need of some attention. Do you not have some friends in Hollywood who could babysit him for the duration of your campaign and maybe take him to the Playboy mansion? Perhaps they could offer those services rather than financial donations, at this point. No one will want to hear about economics there. I think that would do the trick.
I don’t understand why I am not winning. I have been called the next JFK, have Oprah at my side, and make the best speeches. You should see all the kids who come out to my events! They climb onto each others’ shoulders and cheer for me like they are at Woodstock! I mean, EVERYBODY loves me, but I just can’t get that to translate into numbers. And I can’t wait another 4 years to do this again! That would be like 1/10th of my entire life of waiting time!
B.O. in Illinois
So the kids sit on each other’s shoulders and cheer for you? Wow, it sounds like you’d make a great candidate for junior prom king. I hate to be the one to break it to you, B.O., but the kiddies don’t vote. It interferes with their “Wii and weed” time. It’s the ORIGINAL Woodstock attendees, many of whom are now geriatric, whom you should be excited about seeing mounting each other at your rallies. Waiting 4 more years may be a good idea, actually. It would give you a chance to actually do something useful – like nurture a vegetable garden or pass some legislation – and perhaps emerge from puberty.
I don’t understand why I’m not winning. I have the best business background – and the nicest suits -- in a time of economic uncertainty. If you go down the checklist, I’ve got it all covered: down on illegal immigrants and on gays marrying, thumbs-up on the troop surge in Iraq, big on tax cuts. I’m only iffy on guns. But people are really only focused on my hair, which I am pretty sure is why I’m losing. My hair is just too perfect.
M.R. in Massachusetts
You’re “only iffy on guns”?! Well that sounds like a pretty minor detail to me, since it’s only the SECOND constitutional amendment, and not the first. So, you know, no one really cares that much about it. Wow, M.R., it sounds like all your problems would be solved if only you ditched your hairbrush! Why not give it a whirl and see if you can shake that vibe of “evil businessman villain from a Japanese anime cartoon”? If that doesn’t do the trick, at least it sounds like you still have a career to fall back on – unlike a lot of other piggies at the trough.
I’m winning right now, but people think I’m going to kick it (and by “kick it”, I mean CROAK) before I take office, because I’m pretty old. They don’t realize that Reagan was the same age when he was voted in! So what if I mix up the Russian president with the German chancellor, right? It’s an easy mistake that anyone could make. I’m also told that I’m not ideologically extreme enough to win my party’s nomination.
J.M. in Arizona
You’re not “ideologically extreme enough”? Which party are you running for? The Sunnis? Shiites? If you want to not appear as old, go for a jog and take the media with you. It worked for that dust-farting Hollywood actor who did all those pushups in public. And politics is really just Hollywood for more fugly folks. I can see how you could mix up the German and Russian leaders – given that one’s a WOMAN and the other’s more or less the human personification of testosterone. Hang in there. Stay alive, and you’ll do fine.
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